


if you could love me the same

by satiricaldepression



Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Pining, Star Tears, Unrequited Love, lapslock, lowkey not really though, not beta read so i’m sorry for typos T___T
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:13:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24809830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/satiricaldepression/pseuds/satiricaldepression
Summary: when it happens the first time, minhee thinks it’s just the rain.when did it start raining?
Relationships: Kang Minhee/Lee Eunsang
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	if you could love me the same

**Author's Note:**

> star tears (星涙病) — a situation of unrequited love by the person you love. 
> 
> when a person cries star tears, a sound accompanies it. the star tears have color and shine/twinkle when they fall.
> 
> if the symptoms are severe/the person has a serious case of the star tear disease, your photoreceptors cease to function and you go color blind.

when it happens the first time, minhee thinks it’s just the rain.

he’s sitting on a bench in the park. pretending to do his homework while he’s actually just scrolling on his phone looking at japanese baking videos on twitter.

and then eunsang texts him.

minhee’s heart starts to flutter. it always does that when eunsang’s involved, he’s realized.

_minhee!! do you wanna come over i’m bored_

minhee should say no. he’s barely done his work, and if he goes over to eunsang’s then it’ll probably never get finished.

minhee says yes anyway.

_yay!!! i’m inviting junho n hyeongjun too_

minhee frowns when he reads that message. he doesn’t know why, because he likes junho and hyeongjun. it’ll be fun if they come. so why does he feel slightly angry about the fact that their other two friends are going to be at eunsang’s house too?

minhee looks down to where he’s neglected the notebook sitting in his lap.

there’s a drop of water, he notices, in the middle of the page making the ink from his words start to bleed.

when did it start raining?

but minhee looks back up, sticks his hand out, yet nothing falls.

it’s not raining.

but why does it sound like it’s raining?

why is minhee’s face suddenly wet? he swipes the back of his hand across his cheek.

it’s not the rain, but why is minhee crying?

  
  
  


minhee can’t seem to stop crying. the sound of raindrops never ending with it. he wipes his eyes countless times but it’s no use.

it’s not until he texts eunsang and makes up some excuse of why he can’t come over anymore, that the tears finally stop.

he looks down at his hands. they’re streaked with red. if minhee didn’t know any better he would almost think it’s blood.

except minhee really doesn’t know any better, because he can’t figure out why he’s crying. why the sound of water hitting the ground won’t leave his ears.

eunsang texts him again.

_sorry you’re mom wouldn’t let you come over :((( i’ll see u at school tomorrow then :(((_

the tears start again.

minhee starts to understand why.

  
  
  


minhee likes eunsang.

he probably should have realized that sooner. 

minhee’s never had a crush on someone before. or at least, he’s never called it that. minhee just likes who he likes.

and he likes eunsang. likes the way eunsang always smiles and laughs when he talks. likes the way he gets really proud of himself for doing well on a test. likes the way he treats all of friends like the most important people in the world. he likes the way eunsang makes him feel.

when it happens again, they’re in class. eunsang sitting in front of minhee, looking adorably confused by the math problem on the board.

minhee thinks everything eunsang does is adorable.

minhee notices when he sees the first drop fall on to his worksheet. a light blue speck right next to where his name is scrawled at top. just one, and then another, and another.

this time, the tears are blue. it’s more fitting than before, minhee thinks. he’s always thought that if tears had a color they’d be blue.

then comes the noise. like the thud of raindrops hitting a window. for a second, minhee panics. how to explain the sound of rain when it’s clearly bright outside? then he realizes that everyone is still preoccupied with their work. he must be the only one who can hear it. 

he asks their teacher if he can go to the bathroom and has his head down the whole there. he locks himself in a stall and cries and cries until it finally stops. he looks down at the toilet, sees the water turn opaque and the rim stained with blue.

when minhee leaves the bathroom, he doesn’t go back to class. instead, he goes home. the bell was about to ring anyway.

  
  
  


yohan is the first to find out. it makes sense, he’s minhee’s favorite sunbae. they’re always together at school when he’s not with eunsang or junho or hyeongjun. and it’s when yohan’s tutoring minhee for ap bio that it happens.

yohan notices before him.

“oh my god, minhee you’re crying!! why are you crying? it’s okay i know calculus is hard, but you can do it!”

minhee freezes. then starts frantically rubbing at his eyes. the tears are grey.

“minhee... are you okay? what’s going on?”

and that’s how yohan finds out. how he starts helping minhee hide his tears. except, there’s no way to really hide it. he just cries and cries until he can’t anymore.

  
  
  


minhee’s not sad, he thinks. when he cries like this he doesn’t feel sad. it’s more of nothingness. like his emotions leave his body when his tears leave his eyes.

it happens at random, minhee thinks. or whenever he thinks too much about eunsang.

and minhee sees eunsang again later that week.

“minhee!” eunsang calls out, running down from the main entrance of the school and grabbing on to his arm. “i feel like we haven’t talked in a year!”

minhee stumbles a bit from the weight of eunsang suddenly clinging to him. “i just saw you in second period. and at lunch.”

“but still. i missed you.”

minhee’s heart flutters. like it always does around eunsang.

“i missed you too.”

they start walking home together, like they always do. (except the last two days because of minhee’s excuses of _i went home early because i was feeling sick_ and _yohan-hyung’s tutoring me today!)_

they catch up. except there’s not really much to catch up on. because they’re best friends. they already know everything about each other. only so much can happen in two afternoons apart.

except, something does happen in one of those afternoons.

“minhee, i have to tell you something.”

they’re almost at eunsang’s house.

“what’s up?”

“i think i like junho.”

minhee’s heart stops.

“oh.”

“that’s weird, isn’t it? i don’t know, it’s so sudden, but we were hanging out yesterday, since you were with yohan-hyung, and he’s just so funny and cute and i don’t know.” eunsang rambles.

“oh,” minhee says again, because he doesn’t know what else to say.

“minhee?” they stop walking, eunsang tilting his head up from where it was leaning on minhee’s shoulder to look up at him. “oh god, was that a weird thing to say? i’m sorry but it’s just- you’re my best friend i don’t know i thought you get it…” he let’s go of minhee.

minhee hates seeing eunsang sad. and he doesn’t know what to say, but he starts talking anyway. “no don’t be sorry! it’s not weird, and you can tell me anything! that’s what best friends are for, aren’t they? i was just shocked, that’s all.”

eunsang stares at him. “are you sure?”

minhee beams the brightest smile he possibly can. “of course.”

eunsang stares at him some more. and minhee’s almost afraid that- well he doesn’t know what he’s afraid of, but he’s afraid of _something_.

but then eunsang untenses. and he smiles that smile that minhee loves so much. “okay yay! do you mind if i talk about him some more?”

“of course not.”

so that’s what they do. they talk about junho the whole way to eunsang’s house. they talk about how _he just has the cutest laugh,_ and how _i can’t believe i never noticed how handsome he was before,_ and how _i’ve never felt this way before minhee._

and then they reach eunsang’s house. and he’s letting go of minhee and walking to his front door, but not without turning around to smile that bright smile of his and yell out _text me when you get home!_

but when minhee gets home, he doesn’t text eunsang. instead, he heads to his room and goes straight to the bathroom. and then he cries. he cries for what feels like hours, and this time, there’s no sound. there’s no color.

this time, minhee feels sad.

  
  
  


minhee doesn’t want to be mad, but he can’t help it. he’s mad at eunsang for liking junho, he’s mad at junho just because, he’s mad at the world for making this all happen.

and he’s mad at himself for feeling this way. (for liking eunsang, for being mad at him.) but he tries to put his feelings aside.

when he walks into their second period, he’s almost immediately grabbed by the hand and pulled into his seat.

“minhee! finally you’re here.”

“the late bell hasn’t even rung yet.”

“still, my first period is right next door so i’ve been here for three whole minutes alone already.”

before minhee can speak again, eunsang’s already moved on and starts rambling about how he forgot to do the homework so he needs to copy minhee’s.

he then takes the liberty of pulling minhee’s backpack off his shoulder to dig out his calculus folder and find the assignment.

minhee can’t help but stare while the other scrambles to write as fast as he can before class starts and their teacher inevitably makes rounds to check homework.

eunsang’s bright red hair feels bleaker than usual. it must be fading, minhee thinks.

fifteen minutes and two warm-up assignments later, their teacher starts lecturing about today's concept— antiderivatives— and minhee has his head slumped against his desk. (he didn’t sleep much the night before, it’s been difficult to sleep since this whole _thing_ started.

“psst. minhee.” eunsang pokes at his shoulder repeatedly.

“what.” he whispers without picking his head up.

“junho and i are going on a date later.”

at that, minhee picks his head up. “ _what?_ ”

“well it’s not a _date,_ but i asked him to hangout and he said yes!”

“eunsang—”

“i know i know, it’s really soon, and he probably thinks it’s just a friend thing, considering we are just friends, but i don’t know, i just- maybe i should tell him i like him?” 

minhee frowns, and he tries to think carefully about his next words before speaking. “eunsang, maybe it’s too soon to tell junho you like him. are you sure you even really like him? it’s only been a day, shouldn’t you think about it some more?”

minhee tries to convince himself that he's thinking about eunsang’s feelings when he says this, not his own. 

“oh… yeah maybe you’re right.”

eunsang seems quieter the rest of class.

maybe minhee didn’t choose the right words.

minhee tries to focus back on the lecture, he looks up at where their teacher is writing on the chalkboard and tries to copy down everything he missed in the last five minutes of napping and two minutes of speaking to eunsang. except… he can’t see the board?

he rubs at his eyes, they’re probably just hazy from having his head down in the dark, but he still can’t seem to make out the equations. he starts blinking, but it does nothing. the board is just a hazy blob of grey scribbles. he has 20/20 vision, so why can’t he see? is he going blind?

he waves it off as exhaustion and ends up copying off eunsang’s notes instead. if it’s slightly awkward between them when he asks, they both pretend it isn’t.

minhee stares at him. at his soft eyes and his dull red hair.

“hey, you should re-dye your hair again.”

“what?”

(eunsang re-dyed his hair two nights prior.)

  
  
  


scratch that. minhee’s not going blind, he’s going color blind. at first it was eunsang’s hair, then it was the paint he tried to use to finish his final portrait in his art elective.

everything just looks _dull._

_am i going crazy?_

it’s lunch time and hyeongjun asks him to grab a green apple from the bar.

“minhee, this a red apple.” 

“oh.” minhee could have sworn he grabbed a green one. “hold on.”

he returns with yet another apple, this time a green one.

except it’s not.

“minhee, this is another red apple.”

“oh, i—”

“are you okay?” hyeongjun asks.

“no yeah i’m fine,” minhee blinks. “i’m just tired, i guess i got confused, sorry.”

_but i could’ve sworn that apple was green?_

“i’ll get you another one,” minhee turns, but hyeongjun stops him.

“no it’s fine, i can just eat this one.”

“okay.”

minhee spends the rest of lunch staring at the apples on the bar.

  
  
  


minhee and eunsang don’t walk home from school together. minhee says he has to stay after a bit to finish some assignments. but he texts eunsang telling him to _have fun with junho later._

if he types out an apology about earlier, eunsang never sees it.

minhee sighs, slumping back further into his seat in the library and setting down his phone.

he didn’t lie, he does have assignments to finish. but he doubts he’ll get them done.

_what is going on with me?_

up until now, minhee hasn’t really thought about the situation as a whole. but it’s insane really, he has a crush on his best friend so therefore he now cries rainbows and can’t tell red apples from green apples?

no, it just doesn’t make _sense._

still, minhee will try to make sense of it all.

and as smart as kang minhee may be, he can’t seem to figure this out. so he leads himself to one final conclusion.

he must either tell eunsang the truth, or stop liking him. otherwise he doesn’t know what will happen to himself.

(and if he’s honest, he came to this conclusion a long time ago.)

  
  
  


“minhee!”

_nope. i cannot do this right now._

eunsang bolts from his seat into air and waves at minhee frantically when the latter finally walks in their second period classroom.

minhee contemplates running away and skipping class.

pros: he wouldn’t have to speak to eunsang.

cons: he wouldn’t get to speak to eunsang.

he ends up sitting down.

“minhee i have so much to tell you.” 

“hi.”

“i didn’t want to text you everything and when i called last night you didn’t answer?”

_yeah because i didn’t want to hear you talk about how much you like another person when i literally like you, you idiot._

“oh, yeah i—”

“it’s fine though because i can just tell you everything in person now!”

“great!” minhee smiles.

eunsang tells him _everything._ how junho picked him up from his house and they went to the movies. how junho picked something really scary and he basically hid behind the popcorn bucket the whole night. how they got bubble tea afterwards and junho walked him back home.

minhee wants to cry. but he doesn’t, he just smiles behind barred teeth and asks, “did you tell him you like him?”

“no,” eunsang pouts. “i was gonna do it, but, i thought about what you said and maybe your right. maybe it’s not the right time.”

minhee feels relief wash over himself. he hates that.

“oh.”

the conversation ends there.

  
  
  


minhee doesn’t know where he suddenly gets the rush of confidence, but at lunch he pulls eunsang aside into an empty classroom.

_it’s now or never minhee, you have to do this._

he takes a breath. “listen, eunsang i have to tell you something.”

“hm?” eunsang’s confused. “why are we in here?”

“and you’re not gonna be happy about it, hell, you might even hate me, but it’s something i have to say.“

“what’s going on, minhee? are you okay?” minhee can see the concern on eunsang’s face when he takes both of minhee’s hands into his own to get him to stop fidgeting.

“just promise me you won’t hate me.”

“is something wrong?” 

“everything’s fine,” minhee assures, he feels a little bad for accidentally worrying eunsang but he can’t help how nervous he is. “but, eunsang i need you to tell me you won’t hate me.” 

“i could never hate you, minhee.” eunsang relaxes, “not now and not in a million years. you’re my best friend, i love you.”

“yeah… but not in the way that i love you.”

“what?”

“i like you, eunsang.” minhee takes a breath, “i like you _so_ much, as more than a friend. and it’s stupid, it was extremely dumb of me to fall for my best friend, i know. especially since you like junho, i don’t want to make everything weird between us, i’m not trying to make you choose or anything i just— i had to tell you. i like you, eunsang.”

minhee puts his heart in front of him.

he lets himself be vulnerable in front of someone for the first time since he was ten when his parents got divorced and he cried in eunsang’s arms. 

minhee was so embarrassed he said he'd never cry in front of anyone ever again.

_(“it’s okay minhee,” eunsang wipes the tears from his best friend’s face. minhee hiccups. “you still have me.”)_

  
  
  
  


“minhee.”

“eunsang, i—”

“i’m sorry, minhee.”

“i get it.”

eunsang breaks minhee’s heart. 

this time minhee doesn’t cry in his arms.

  
  
  


minhee and eunsang are seventeen going on eighteen. they’ve been friends since they were both six and eunsang had just moved to their neighborhood and joined minhee’s first grade class.

_“hi, i’m minhee!”_

_“i’m eunsang!”_

_“do you wanna be best friends?”_

_“yeah!”_

minhee and eunsang have been friends for eleven years. things don’t change when minhee tells eunsang he likes him. things don’t change when eunsang rejects him. 

it’s hard, at first, though. eunsang calls and texts minhee, but he doesn’t answers. he finds a new seat in their second period, he sits with seongmin and dongpyo instead at lunch. he stops walking home from school with eunsang.

but he also stops crying. at this point minhee’s convinced the whole thing was just a figment of his imagination.

things change a little, but minhee doesn’t think he’d forgive himself if he let them be that way forever.

it’s a week later when minhee starts talking to eunsang again.

“hey,” minhee sits next to him in calculus.

eunsang’s head shoots up immediately and he stops where he was hurriedly attempting to finish last night’s homework.

“didn’t do your homework again?” minhee glances at his paper, a soft smile forming on his lips. “here, copy mine.”

eunsang just stares at him. “minhee, i’m sorry—”

“it’s not your fault.”

class starts and minhee and eunsang finally talk. about everything. minhee apologizes for ghosting him, explains that he just needed the time to himself. eunsang apologizes for hurting minhee, for not feeling the same (though minhee adamantly tells him _it’s fine_ ). and for most people it’d probably be an awkward and uncomfortable conversation. most people probably wouldn’t be able to keep being friends.

but minhee and eunsang aren’t most people.

minhee understands, he really does. he can’t force eunsang to like him, just like he can’t force himself to stop liking eunsang.

and he knows that with time he’ll get over eunsang.

his heart won’t hurt forever. 

minhee and eunsang walk home from school together that day.

  
  
  


“oh! i forgot to mention… i ended up telling junho i like him.”

“oh. what’d he say?”

“he didn’t feel the same….” 

“i’m sorry.”

“no it’s fine, it was just a little crush. i guess some people just aren’t meant to be.”

“yeah. i guess so.”

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i don’t know if anyone will read this bc minisang isn’t a very popular ship in the first place, but if you did read it then thank u so much n i hope u enjoyed! 
> 
> i don’t have much to say about this one, but you can find me on twitter [@vorekangs!!](https://twitter.com/vorekangs)


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